What's the difference between a ukulele and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a ukulele and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a ukulele.

Why don't ukulele players play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

How can you tell when the stage is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the ukulele player's mouth.

Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the ukulele player.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the ukulele?
It saves time.

A man goes to Hawaii for his holidays. As the boat nears, he notices the constant sound of drumming. As he gets off the boat, he asks a local how long the drumming will go on. The local looks about nervously and says "very bad when drumming stops." Later that day, the drumming is still going and it is really starting to get to him. So, he asks another local when the drumming will stop. The local looks as if he's just been spooked. "Very bad when drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, the man had had enough. He grabbed the first local he saw, slammed him up against a tree, and shouted, "What happens when the drumming stops?!" The local replied, "ukulele solo."

How do you get two ukulele players to play in perfect unison? 
Shoot One.

What's the difference between a ukulele player and a puppy? 
The puppy will stop whining after a couple of months.

How long does it take to tune a ukulele?  Nobody knows.

How do you know when there is a ukulele player at your front door?  The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - but the drummer has to show him first.

A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to play the bass guitar."
His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Why shouldn't ukulele players take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What is the range of a ukulele?
As far as you can kick it.

What do you call a ukulele player with half a brain?

A banjo player and his wife were woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud knocking on the door.
The banjo player got up, went to the door and found a ukulele player standing in the pouring rain.
"I need a push", said the ukulele player.
"Not a chance", said the banjo player, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning", slammed the door and went back to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some ukulele player asking for a push", he answered.
"Did you help him?", she asked.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside" he said.
"Well, .... you have a short memory", said the wife, "don't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two nice young men helped us?  I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself".
The banjo player does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He called out into the dark night, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", called the banjo player.
"Yes please", came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?", asked the banjo player.
The ukulele player replied, "Over here on the swing".

A man went into a junk shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "£20.00, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.
As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"
The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed ukulele players."

Perfect Pitch: When you throw a ukulele into the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.

Q: How can you tell when a ukulele player is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

A father was buying ukulele lessons for his son.
The 1st week the father asked him what he had learned.
The son said "On my 1st lesson we learned about the A string."
The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week.
The son said "On my 2nd lesson I learned about the E string."
3rd week came by and the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons what have you learned this week?"
The son said "I quit the lessons I already got a gig."